On the Menu: COLOMBIANA (2011)
Ingredients: Zoë Saldana, Cliff Curtis, Jordi Mollà, Lennie James, Michael Vartan, Callum Blue, Beto Benites, Graham McTavish and Amandla Stenberg. Directed by Olivier Megaton. Run time: 111 minutes. Rated: Unrated.
At First Bite: I needed an action movie to watch and Saldana is gorgeous. If the screenplay is written by Luc Besson (LEON: THE PROFESSIONAL, LA FEMME NIKITA), you could probably guess the story: a young woman's parents have been killed and she's going to seek revenge.
Well, if you guessed that plotline, then you'd be correct.
Tough to Swallow: Manhole covers must be pretty lightweight in Colombia.
Do the police not get a mugshot of everyone they arrest?
If you've successfully hidden in your mansion's safe room, why would you leave knowing who is in your house?
Not sure you can train a dog to eat raw steaks and get the result COLOMBIANA achieved.
Young Cataleya (Stenberg) reads a Xena: Warrior Princess comic and says she wants to be like Xena. The film is set in 1992. Xena wasn't around until three years later.
The word personal is misspelled as 'personnal' in two credits for Saldana's make up artist and hair stylist.
The word prosthetics is misspelled as 'prostetics' in the credit for Prosthetics Artists.
In the France Unit section of the credits, there's a credit for Location Manager Assistants, but lists only one person. Also in this section, the word assistants is misspelled as 'assitants' in the credit for Video Assistants.
In the Additional Footages credits, licensing is misspelled as 'licencing' for Universal Studios.
Something to Chew On: Besson wrote the screenplay and has a producer credit.
Director Olivier Megaton's birth name is Olivier Fontana. He was born on the 20th anniversary of the Hiroshima bombing, which is where he came up with the Megaton surname.
Aftertaste: Man, there are so many ridiculous moments in this movie (some listed above). Cataleya is supposedly an intelligent assassin with nearly 15 years of experience. Why chance losing the rest of your family while killing nobodies in an attempt to draw the attention of your real target? She's really careless.
And, the police are no better. The Tag Killer can't be a woman? Okay, if you say so. Ugh, and Callum Blue is just as bad an actor here as he was in FRENEMY. His CIA agent is a poorly written character anyway.
Some of the action is okay. I'd say the best part of the movie is when we see Young Cataleya. She jumps from building to building in parkour fashion. But, even the bad guys try to ruin this sequence. The head baddie tells his goons to kill her, then yells at one guy for shooting at her because "we need her alive." Then, he and all his goons end up shooting at the last place they saw her.
You'll definitely be scratching your head a lot... or laughing.
It might keep your interest if you're unfamiliar with Besson's previous works. The oftentimes scantily clad Saldana couldn't even keep me from forgetting the plot holes.
He should have skipped on this and written the sequel to LEON: THE PROFESSIONAL. Please bring back Natalie Portman for MATHILDA.
Sort of ironic the director named himself for a bomb, isn't it.
Rating:
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